Volume 1

Presenting Angel Wear’s latest blog, The Grief Diaries. A sacred space where we unfold 4 to 5 heartfelt narratives every month. It serves as a sanctuary for individuals to articulate their emotions, forge connections with kindred spirits, and find solace in the act of sharing their journeys, offering a beacon of hope to those facing similar struggles. Inaugurating this inaugural volume of The Grief Diaries, I will personally share my own tale of grief, providing you with a glimpse into the essence of what this series aims to convey.

Lesson 1

The beginning of my story starts at the young age of eight years old. My mother had my baby brother on December 2nd, 2013. I wish I could tell you that everything went well and he was a perfect, healthy, beautiful baby boy. When he was born the doctors told my mother and father that my baby brother Ryder wouldn’t last a week. They said he had a collapsed lung and there was nothing they could do for him. I can’t even imagine the sorrow my parents felt when receiving the news from the doctor. They had just had this beautiful baby boy and now he was being ripped away from them, forever. After feeling the sorrow of the news, my mom decided to not accept that as the answer.

She had a week, didn’t she? So with everything that felt out of her control she did everything that she could that was in her control. She took Ryder to a different hospital and got another doctor’s opinion. It turns out Ryder didn’t have a collapsed lung at all.

We had found out that little Ryder had mitral valve stenosis and regurgitation. Which means Ryder didn’t have any leaflets in his valve. My mother had taught me to never give up through this scenario. No matter how hard it is, don’t ever give up. She always says that God can’t help you if you don’t give him the chance to. So lesson one don’t give up, don’t lose hope. 

Lesson 2

For the next 8 months I either lived at the hospital or lived with a babysitter at home. It was such a lonely and hard time for me and my siblings. My sister and I always talk about our memories during that time. I try to focus on the positive things through those 8 months even though they were hard. I think it is so important to always show gratitude and have a better perspective on things. So I want to share with you some of my memories through those 8 challenging months.

• I remember the first time we went to the hospital we made stress dolls. They gave us a white blank doll and we got to color it. 
• I remember coming home from school, showering, changing into freshly washed clothes, getting into the car, and driving an hour up to the Hospital. 
• I remember me and my siblings all got to dress up in doctors outfits and check on my brother.
• I remember going to the child activity room. The one thing I vividly remember making was a jellyfish out of a paper plate and string. 
• I remember listening to music with Ryder and seeing him smile at it.
• I remember when my mom called us and when I said hi to Ryder my mom told me that he got the biggest smile on his face when he heard my voice.
• I remember my sister accidentally stealing a Snickers bar from the hospital cafeteria.
• I remember there being a toy train in the cafeteria.
• I remember when my aunt took us to the hospital by train. It was the best way to go to the hospital.
• I remember getting to go to a music class and getting to play a bunch of different instruments. 
• I remember Ryder got to come home for a week once.

But most of all, I remember that even though that little baby boy was in so much pain, stuck to a hospital bed all day, away from his family, he was always smiling.

Ryder taught me to just be happy. Life is short, enjoy it, see the bright side, and make the best of the life you have.

Lesson 3

Unfortunately the eight months went by faster than we wanted. I remember the day so vividly, I will never forget it. It was August 20th, 2014, my mom had come and checked us out of school. She had told us that they are having a fun activity at the hospital for Ryder. We all got so excited, we always enjoyed the fun activities the hospital provided for the siblings of the sick child. When we got to the hospital though I saw a bunch of family surrounding Ryder. All of them in tears. I asked my mom what was going on and she said, “Honey, Ryder isn’t gonna make it.”

I felt my heart beat fast, the hot, salty tears rush to my eyes. Then I said, “I thought you said this was a fun activity, this is not fun.” My mom gave a slight chuckle and then walked away to be with my dad. I was left there by myself staring at something I had no control over. I remembered my mom though, never give up, no matter how hard it gets.

So what was in my power was how I reacted. I prayed to my God, I asked Him for help. Luckily He answered my little prayer. I felt peace and started to take control of the situation. Little eight year old me got to work comforting all the grieving people. I spent all the time I could with Ryder before my time was up. When my time was up I was taken out of the room. I just sat outside the room waiting for them to unplug the cord. I knew it was done when I heard the sobs. 

I don’t think I felt anything, I was numb, and only eight years old. I didn’t know how to process this information. This was my story of grief, this is what I experienced. 

What I Learned

It has been 10 years since my baby brother has died. Here are the things I learned from my journey with grief.

First, it never gets easier. Someone asked my dad last year if losing someone ever gets easier and he told them, “Unfortunately no, it never gets easier, but one day you won’t cry everytime you think of them. One day you won’t cry as hard, one day you won’t cry as long, but it never truly does get easier.” So please understand that it is okay to grieve. Grieving has no specific path, it is just a journey you must face. 

Second, they are never truly lost. When Ryder died my parents never let us talk about him in past tense. Now to this day when anyone dies, I never talk about them in past tense. I believe that the second you start talking about them as if they are gone, it will start to truly feel like they are forever gone. I also learned to celebrate Ryder and spend time with him when I could, this way I would feel like I still had a relationship with him. I visit him once a month and tell him everything. I know he hears me and I know he answers me when I visit.

Third, people love you and care about you. People want to help you. I know it feels like no one understands what you’re going through and you’re absolutely right, they don’t know what you’re going through. But they do love you and want to help you. Don’t be afraid to talk about your story. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You are loved and the last thing you want to feel after losing a loved one is the feeling of loneliness. 

The End of Volume 1

We hope you enjoyed the first volume of Grief Diaries. If you enjoyed this you can check out Here to Help to see more stories about people’s journeys through grief. We would love to hear your story at https://angelwearofficial.com/contact/ or feel free to email us at angelwearofficial@gmail.com. 

With love, Angel Wear.

Angel Wear

You can find more things about Angel Wear at https://angelwearofficial.com/  

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